From the book: From Monogamy to Polygyny: A Way Through by Umm AbdurRahman Hirschfelder and Umm Yasmeen Rahmaan
What follows here are practical tips that can help a Muslim woman in the climb to self-confidence.
1. Most importantly, make Du’a and ask Allah for confidence in yourself and in your relationship.
2. Write down all the pleasant and heart-warming things your husband says to you out of his own free will. You can pull it out to read at any time.
3. If you are in the habit of dressing up for your husband, this is good. However, change your habit a few times during the week and dress up just for you. This will reinforce that you are beautiful for you, no matter what. Try it, it feels good, and of course any woman knows that if you look good, most times you fell good too.
4. Fix your posture. Sit straight and hold your chin up. No slouching! This will straighten your backbone literally and figuratively.
5. Don’t lose yourself in the monotony (or not) of your household. Take a moment for you. Drink tea or hot cocoa, read the paper, write in your journal, etc. Don’t make the mistake of forgetting yourself.
6. Stand in front of a mirror and talk to yourself (in private). These are the things you must say to yourself while looking into your own eyes: You are beautiful. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are interesting. You are graceful. You are funny. You are cute. You are cuddly. You are affectionate. You are talented. You are fabulous, etc. A sign of weak confidence is if you say these things to yourself and you cannot look yourself in the eyes. Then you have work to do, so practice. The more you say it, the more you will believe it, and the more you will act it.
7. This one may be hard but it works and it pays off. Act like you are confident. Along with the other exercises, this is one of the best ways to regain your confidence. In any situation, act the part, and you will become it, In sha’ Allah.
8. Don’t keep asking your husband to validate you or make you feel important. Contrary to popular opinion this is not the best thing. It only makes you question his motives and him more. Instead, ask you to validate you. Confidence comes from within and no one can give it to you.
9. Write down all the things you want to change about yourself (be careful not to use the words ‘don’t like’ when talking about yourself) and view it as a goal list, a task list. Start with the easiest things to accomplish and get to work. As you begin to check off the list, it will give you tremendous confidence.
10. Get comfortable with yourself. Stop thinking the ifs: “If I only had different hair,” etc. You’ve only got you, and in order to have true confidence, you must look at yourself and say, “YEAH!” Again, the more you think it, the more you feel it, and the more you act it.
11. Don’t ever put yourself down. Do not allow you mind or your tongue to say things like, “I’m stupid, I’m clumsy, I’m goofy,” etc. Instead, if you lack knowledge in an area, say something positive that enables you. For example: “I do not possess the ability at this time to make a decision on that. However, I will research it and get back to you.” Or: “I have not acquired a dancer’s balance yet.”
12. Laugh at yourself. This is a must. Don’t take yourself so seriously. You do funny things and you make funny mistakes, so laugh with the best of them.
Moving past negative emotions takes and understanding of how Allah created man, and it takes rebuilding and developing self-confidence and self-esteem. It takes recognizing the limits of one’s influence over their husband. Many of the things that occur in life do not reflect a person’s own abilities. Not everything happens because one causes it to happen. And polygyny is one of the things that happen outside of one’s control. It is not women’s fault that their husbands remarry. Rather polygyny is an innate practice common to the male sex. And it is not something for which Muslim women should blame themselves or doubt themselves, or for which they should feel sorry for themselves.
The importance of confidence cannot be underestimated. Confidence not only gives a woman the ability to be content and satisfied with polygyny, but it also gives a woman the inner strength to control jealousy and resulting emotional outbursts. This is because part of jealousy is a result of feeling threatened. By definition, jealousy includes a fear of being replaced, i.e., a threat is perceived. However, with confidence, there is no threat. It doesn’t matter if the co-wife is the most perfect woman in the world, she is not a threat to a woman who is confident in herself and her relationship with her husband. This is because she trusts herself and her husband and the strength of their relationship. Thus, there is a key connection between confidence and jealousy
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